renewed energy
The start of June was rough for me.
First of all, I was self-sabotaging about how my friends value me or how they don't value me. I was rambling to myself about if my friends have reduced the rest of us as an 'option'. For context: two of my friends from my core group1 had new friends (which in turn became my friends too). The thing is they have their own Discord where they are on 24/7, they video call, listen to music together. And that's really special right? For me that forms a different kind of bond. That kinda took me off guard cuz we never did that. And I wanted us to be like that. It got me thinking if from now on we'll be like the second option. When we have important milestones our friend group usually gets to hear it first. Will that change? Will they be planning their own trips or hangouts from now on and will we be like the later priority?
So that was running through my mind which I hated cuz this friendship is like more than a decade strong and I trust these guys with my life. I hate that I'm questioning/doubting our friendship like that. It was a back and forth of gaslighting myself and building these awful, fake scenarios in my head. It was all very negative.
Then, I had a major asthma attack2. So I had to stay at home and sulk on these thoughts. You know when you're sick you get 10x sadder? Yep, one night I just broke down and cried it all out.
Thanks to that breakdown I came to view things on a different perspective. If things were really turning out that way then what can I do but to accept it? Change is the only constant thing in this world. I love my friends and I've already told them and whatever they want to do I'll be their number one supporter even if that means I'm not in their story anymore. We grow out of things. It's sad but, you know, what can you do, that's life. I'd be the last person to block the path my friends want to take.
Coming to this realization gave me a breakthrough. A renewed energy. Knowing I have let go of what I can't control.
Then my period came. Lol. But fear not that breakthrough still was important. I know I'd still be sulking without that. I was back to my jolly ol' self which was such a relief for me. Our trip to Taiwan is next week and I CANNOT have that on my head.
I originally wanted to talk to them about this. Right now I'm feeling there's no need. But maybe soon. Maybe on the trip to Taiwan? Who knows?